Anatomy of a Wedding

"This is the time."

That still small Voice echoed up inside me sometime one and a half years ago. Louder and more apparent, the Voice welled up and resurfaced in every possible moment of silence—even during the most hectic and mind-laboring job of being an emergency doctor during pandemics.

When?

I kept questioning back. This is the time. When? When is the time? When is "this"? I couldn't keep myself sitting still without the dragging desire to move towards Claudia—in terms of physical and emotional attachment. I want to be one with her.

I spoke to her. I felt God is calling me to take a step further in advancing our relationship. At that time, I walked down the detour path of being a clinician, accepting that career was not everything. Major, but not the whole pie. Crucial, but sustained only by something else.

Some words were left unspoken in my mouth as I tried to unearth my intention. I was not sure about it. I barely started my career and have nothing worth offering except my sincere heart to respond to God's calling.

I wrote in my 27,5 reflection that I relied too much on physics and causality, not giving enough room and space for God to do His works. At that time, I remembered some lines from Invictus:

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.

Unless I didn't feel like being the captain, and I have learned from Abraham, I don't have to be in control.

As the Lord had told him

The Lord is excessively gracious in humbling me. He showed me new friends who helped me understand the task of being a husband (and a father), the beauty of deepened relationships, and the vanity of other things. It all comes down to family and how you hold on tight to your loved ones. With that, I thank my friends from Hermina Ciputat Hospital. I treasure you all inside the warmest corner of my heart.

The ball has been rolling since I encompassed my scariest calling. I mentioned it is exciting and strenuous in my 29 journal entry. The pressure mounted when I had to confront and ask for my parents' blessing. Having been constantly misunderstood, being a Christian in a non-Christian family is a thorn inside my flesh.

We both know winter is coming, but we also see the weather always the brightest after the storm passes. My only consolation is Psalm 23, knowing that this calling does not come from me, and I only need to obey and walk down the valley.

We weathered the storm. God weaved our stories and intertwined the unexpected people around us to carry us through the process of softening my mom's heart. It was also the period when I spoke my heart to her. The silence was deafening. And painful. But we carried on; He had us.

The Lord showed us that He is faithful. As our wedding song is also beautifully captured and testified:

Lord you've been faithful to plant the seeds And you will be faithful to always send your rain.

So I went, as the Lord had told me.

The dawn

The pressure rose as the day passed, especially near our wedding day. I captured my reflection in another post: 29. The post didn't elaborate on how gloomy and melancholy I felt during the last two weeks before the 11th of June, though.

Those past two weeks, I counted on every hour at my house, knowing I would leave my 29 years of life and cleave to my wife. Open wounds and scars, silence and words, wisdom and mockery, jokes and smiles, bro-time every night when my brother was still single, chill time watching Nihongo Mantappu with my sister, and those silent spaces at the kitchen table with my mom, cherishing how my mom always asked whether I want a warm tea or not, followed by whether I want it to be sweet or not.

Like it or not, this is my family. It is where I grew up and learned to be who I am—my anchor, where I stemmed and stood tall. My deepest and most enormous void was always a distant father figure. Physically present, yet we are far away. I could never decipher his philosophy of life, but I knew many of my qualities as a person came from him. And he made me the man I am today.

As I walked down the aisle, smiling, head bent toward our family and friends, approaching where parents reside on the chairs, my heart was heavy.

Worship

I could trouble myself scrambling for words to describe how it felt when Claudia's father guided my hands to embrace his daughter's. His tongue tied, eyes swelled up, lips quivered, trying to summon words he never felt worthy to advise me. I didn't know what he felt, but it's truly saddening because I know how fractured their relationship is and how they both tried to mend and stitch back their love for one another. Claudia broke into tears as I tried to find the courage and put aside my desire to hug her and proceed with the matrimony.

The worship was serene, as I felt again the Voice that once visited me one and a half years ago to strengthen and buff me up—a perfectly perfect opening.

I kept playing all the scenarios in my head on how to read my vows: intonation, selah, when to look at her, when to pause and slow down, and when to highlight and make a point. In the back of my mind, the looming feeling was the Gratitude to Parents. I made a draft, crafted words and sentences, poured out my heart in the shortest speech I could squeeze into that tiny moment, and I managed to hold back my feelings.

The one-hour ceremony went unexpectedly fast. The sermon by Ps. Ihsan Gani was on point, and he made complex marriage principles wonderfully simple and memorable. Claudia would also say we were both grateful and honored to have him preaching in our Holy Matrimony. So, thank you, Ps. Ihsan Gani.

The aftermath

Since it is increasingly common to have sex before marriage, to take it lightly, so I would also touch on the topic of sex. I will try my best not to make it gross.

First, Claudia and I are really (reallyyyyy) grateful because we didn't have sex before marriage despite being in a courtship for 6,5 years. We admitted that we're not perfect in the physical touch boundaries, but we didn't cross that line. We waited till this day.

We talked about how it was messy, confusing, and painful for us because both of us did not understand how to do it. We wanted it, but we could not. I asked for advice from some male friends because it frustrates me how hard it is. I mean, I studied anatomy, but I'm having a hard time.

We were always proud to say that we did not have sex before marriage. When Ps. Ihsan Gani interviewed us, he asked us what makes us firm in that stance as he wants his children to also hold on to this principle.

I could not speak for Claudia, but I would start with this: God forbids it. Oh, boring and unreasonable? I don't think so. God prohibited something in the Garden of Eden, and Adam crossed the line. You know the story. Look where we are now, constantly crossing the line and replaying Genesis daily. I don't want to make the same mistake.

I highly recommend reading a book by Matt Chandler titled "The Mingling of Souls: God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption." as it helps me to understand that God's design for sex is not merely for physical oneness, but more.

God's plan is for a man and a woman in the bond of the marriage covenant to have their souls—not just their bodies—become one. — Matt Chandler

Having sex after marriage also made me understand how dopamine and hormones could cloud my judgment. If I had had sex before marriage, my feelings were probably heightened and awakened before time, outside the marriage covenant. It likely will be resulted in insecurities, shame, and guilt.

In Song of Solomon, the command is clear:

"Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4, ESV)

Solomon also describes love as fire:

Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame. (Song of Solomon 8:6, NKJV)

Fire, without boundaries, leads to death. But if fire is contained within a framework, a covenant, gives life.

Fortunately, we awaken love in its time. We both enjoy the new level of emotional attachment, fiery physical pleasures, and our newfound love for each other within a covenant. I can see and feel how Claudia respects and honors me and how sex is not a performance for us but an intimate and private way we give the best to each other.

It's partly a mystery because now I can explore and communicate my desires, hear hers, and tend to her needs. It's a lifelong and profound dimension of oneness. I genuinely believe what Ps. Ihsan Gani said to us: enjoy your wedding gift from God.

Hopeful wish

I hope my simple writing could show a glimpse of the beauty of a Christian wedding, knowing that marriage is an institution ordained by God, sanctified by God, despite our shortfalls as imperfect creations.

This humble reflection is dedicated to my beloved wife, Claudia Stephani Kurnia. I love you.